Last Days of 2006

They say that deaths happen in threes but what they really mean is that celebrity deaths happen in threes because, um, there are lots and lots of people dying every minute of the day. I mention this because two famous people died recently – James Brown on Christmas Day and Gerald Ford on the day after. So who’s the third? If I were a really old or really sick celebrity, I’d be taking all of my vitamins and looking twice before I crossed the street.

Which makes me wonder: is there a time limit for that three thing? Like, is it three in a week or in two weeks or a month or what? And do the celebrities have to be on the same level, like A-listers or B-movie actors? Would James Brown and President Ford be on the same celebrity level? Famous singer, sort of famous president. I didn’t actually remember Ford, I have to admit. He was president years before I was born and we barely studied him in American History. Something to do with Nixon or whatever. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s cool to be president regardless of how you got there but did people like Ford or Johnson feel like frauds, only having become president because some resigned or died? (Yikes!)

Anyway, I don’t want to think that there’s a third person getting ready to kick the bucket just because James Brown and Gerald Ford did but we’ll see if that saying is true. If it happens before the end of the year, I’ll be pretty impressed.

At the end of every year, newspapers and magazines run lists of people who passed away. Music, books, politics, and so on. It reminds me of the Oscars when they show pictures of people who died the year before and everyone in the audience claps or cheers or goes “awww…” Some people get lots of applause and other people get whispers of “who’s that?” I think, to be fair to everyone, the host should say something like, “Could you please hold your applause until the conclusion of the segment?” That way family and friends of the unpopular dead people are not offended.

Just my opinion.

So with all of this talk of death and dying, here is my final list for 2006:

Top 3.5 Trends I’d Like to See Die

1. Clothes: Dresses Over Jeans
2. Movies: Torture as Entertainment
3. Food: Cheese on Everything
3.5 Culture: Celebrities in Rehab

I never did get the whole dress over jeans thing. Can’t you decide what to wear? Did you run out of tights or pantyhose? Did you think that was a long shirt when you pulled it from the closet while you were dressing in the dark? I tried this look exactly once: a flowered sun dress with cap sleeves over a pair of Lucie’s low-rider Levi’s. My hips looked a mile wide and my stomach pooched out below my belly button. It was not a good look for me – or for most people. Please let this style expire on December 31.

And speaking of expiration…take the torture movies like “Saw” and “Hostel” and “Turistas” and “Texas Chainsaw Massacre: the Beginning of the End of Civilization as We Know It.” It’s not fun seeing someone’s toe clipped off with hedge trimmers or watching someone crawl through their own blood after their Achilles tendons are severed. It’s just gross. And it doesn’t make me feel sorry for these people. I just think they’re stupid for wandering into the beach resort/hostel/backwoods, looking for cheap sex and drugs. Don’t rent these movies. Instead, put “The Break-Up” on your Netflix queue – the most underrated movie of 2006.

The country is clearly mired in cheese – pop culturally and food-wise. Cheese is on everything these days – not just on top of pizza but between the layers of meat and inside the crust and in bits of fried dough and hey! Stop frying everything! Fried vegetables at all those TGI McBennigan’s…I mean, come on! Leave the poor veggies alone.

And last, but not least, and certainly I don’t think it will ever happen which is why it only gets honorable mention, but could we please keep the celebrities from blaming all the nasty things they do on drugs or booze or extreme fatigue (Miss Lohan, my finger is pointed at you!)? Celebrities all claim they’re not role models but that only worked in like, Charlie Chaplin’s days before 400 channels of entertainment news and a million gossip blogs and hundreds of glossies at the checkout counter. Don’t tell me you don’t know people will do what you do – isn’t that what drew you to the business anyway? I know people have problems and they should take care of them but this sort of behavior trickles down to regular people and their regular kids and well, pretty soon, the country is just making excuses for itself.

I guess that’s all I have to say for 2006. It seems kind of negative to end the year like that and gosh, I am totally not a negative person but I think it’s important to want to make changes in the future.

Knowing we can effect change is what gives us hope. Happy New Year!